GoodNight But Not Goodbye
by ryanmarissaforever88
Summary: Ryan moves on with Taylor..but it's always Marissa in the back of his mind.
1. Chapter 1

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THE OC FANFICTION: GoodNight But Not GoodBye

Author's Note: Read/Review? I know that everyone says that but I really want to know if I should continue or whatever. And, of course, the disclaimer- none of this belongs to me. I wish. If I did, Marissa wouldn't have died, she and Ryan would have lived happily ever after and the OC would still be running. So, obviously, the OC and its characters do not belong to me. Thanks. Oh, and btw, the italicized quote at the bottom is not mine. I have no clue whose it is- I found it on the internet, but it's not mine. Read & Review!

I think I'm going to write this..not quite as a one-shot, but not quite as a story. I think it'll be more along the lines of a one-shot...with parts. So here's part one!

**PART ONE**

"Marissa?" Ryan shook her. "Marissa??" Panicked, he kept trying to wake her up. At this point, he knew that she was gone, but he couldn't stop himself from rocking her body back and forth whispering "No...no..no.." As tears fell down his face slowly.

She was gone. The only girl that Ryan had ever loved was gone. He was devastated. Never again could he look into her gorgous eyes again. He would never see that beautiful smile that first drew him in on his very first night at Newport. He could never again sit in a comfortable silence, just holding her at the lifeguard stand. _Their_ lifeguard stand.

He was heartbroken that they would never have a chance to get back together and work everything out. He knew that they loved each other, but he also knew that he would never get to hold her in his arms again, and that broke his heart.

Soon after, as Ryan processed the accident and all that had happened, analysing every detail, trying to see if there was anything he could have done to save her. Maybe if he had taken another road, Volchok wouldn't have found them. Maybe if he had found a place to pull over, they wouldn't have been pushed off the road. Maybe if they had left five minutes later, he would have missed them. Hundreds of What-If's from their entire relationship swirled around his mind, driving him crazy with regret and guilt. Ryan felt like it was all his fault that she was dead. He blamed himself.

_"I don't know what I should do now._

_I don't know where I should go._

_I'm still here waiting for you. _

_I'm lost when you're not around._

_I need to hold on to you._

_I just can't let you go."_

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When Taylor had asked for the favor of him acting as her lover, Ryan had known that it wasn't a good idea. But he felt bad and before he knew it, his car was steering itself towards the yacht club. He went in and stood there unnoticed for a moment. He closed his eyes and envisioned the angelic face that he had fallen head over heels for, thought of every happy moment that they had ever shared and every romantic kiss that they had experienced, and when he opened his eyes, he didn't see Taylor, he saw his Marissa. Rushing over to her, he kissed her with every ounce of love and passion that he wished he could show to Marissa. But when the lawyer left and he opened his eyes, reality washed over him and it occurred to him that he was holding Taylor Townsend in his arms. Not Marissa. Backing away, he left without a word.

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The girl he loved had died in his arms. That he knew. What he didn't know, was how he felt about Taylor Townsend. She had been pursuing him, but he always turned away. His heart belonged to somebody whose own heart no longer beat. But she made him smile. When he went into a brooding mood, she could make him laugh. And as uncertain as he was that he could ever love someone else after Marissa, he needed that. He needed someone who could make him smile. He would never again have Marissa, the girl who could make him smile by doing something as chili fries in her mouth (like a walrus) with Summer. But he needed someone who could make him smile. Even if it wasn't the same smile. Even if it was now the "Broken" smile that Ryan wore. Because he would never again wear the "Everything-Is-Great-With-Marissa-And-I-For-Once Smile." But any smile was better than no smile. Right?

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He had been dating Taylor for three months when he realised that he was moving foward with his life, and he needed to move on. So Ryan says "Good Night" to Marissa. Not "Goodbye." Because Ryan is powerless to her. Because Ryan can never say goodbye to Marissa Cooper.

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Taylor was never what you would consider 'normal'. She was not popular, she was a bit eccentric, and she had interesting ways of showing affection. But she really liked Ryan. And she knew that he would always love Marissa. Taylor was never normal- only she knew what it was like to come second in your boyfriend's heart- after your dead former rival. Their relationship was constantly haunted bya ghost. No matter how hard he tried to act like he was past it, Taylor knew that he would never be past it. The passionate, made for each other, never dying love that you can only feel for one person? Ryan had that with Marissa. And that's how Taylor felt about Ryan. So she accepted her second place and did everything she could to make him happy and tried not to think about how much happier he would be if Marissa was still alive. No matter how hard she tries to look beautiful, she knows it doesn't matter because Ryan will never think that she's as good as her. But she's accepted this twisted love-triangle because it's the only way she can get Ryan. And scraps of Ryan were better than none.

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Author's Note Continued: P.S. I feel stupid about this, but somebody else wrote the "he didn't see taylor, he saw marissa" idea before me. I just thought it was so incredibly perfect and made so much sense that it was the only way that I could think to write it. I am so sorry that I don't know their username to give them credit, but please know that I did not think of that idea and that I would give them more credit if I could find their name. Just thought you guys should know! So please don't get mad or whatever, but after I saw that story, it was the only way I could think of Ryan kissing Taylor that time- imagining Marissa. Thanks! Review Now? Haha. Please!


	2. Chapter 2

**THE OC FANFICTION**

Author's Note: Hi everybody. Just so you know, I'm really not saying that Ryan isn't lucky to get Taylor, because I like Taylor- I really do! Regardless of how it seems, I think she's funny and I like her. I just don't like her with Ryan, haha. So I'm sorry if it bad to you because you think that he was lucky to get her rather than be miserable..but then again, it IS angst/drama so he kindof is _supposed_ to not be really happy. If you want happy, fluffy Ryan/Marissa or Ryan/Taylor..that is not this story. And, once again, I'm really new to this, so..constructive criticism is good, but please don't message me that the story is crap just because you obviously like the pairing of Ryan/Taylor. So, please, if you're a Ryan/Taylor fan, don't read this just so you can bash me.

And thank you soo much to sailawaytown for your review! It was really sweet and made me feel a lot better about continuing this fic.In my mind, it's always RM so this is really how I see it. Thank you!!

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**PART TWO**

When Ryan and Taylor fell in love, it was comfortable, safe. Not passionate. Ryan's passion had died a long time ago, and both of them knew it. But they were reasonably happy. There was comfort, sweetness and love in their relationship. But there was no excitement, no desperate need for each other, no burning fiery love that now seemed oddly symbolic as Ryan's love was taken from him in a fiery car crash. The first time that Ryan told Taylor he loved her was sweet, but it was nothing to rushing into a penthouse party at 11:59 with three seconds left and kissing Marissa with so much passion before telling her he loved her- twice. When Ryan told Taylor those three little words finally, he had to conciously restrain himself from adding _her_ name onto the end of the sentence. Marissa was the only person Ryan had ever said "I love you" to, and he now regretted not telling her every single day he had her. But Ryan said "I love you, Taylor," reminding himself that he was with Taylor now, not Marissa. Sometimes at night, when he closed his eyes and fell into a light sleep, he forgot that fact and could only see Marissa- her smile- her hair- he could hear her sweet laugh, right before he woke up. The silence and darkness around him seemed to mock him, but her laugh was still echoing in his ears. Once, Taylor asked him why he never spooned with her at night, why he never held her? Ryan remained silent, unable to think of a way to tell her that it would be too painful because it would remind him of the time in Mexico with Marissa when she was still with Luke but they ended up spooning and holding hands over the night- and it felt so incredibly right that when he woke up, he nuzzled her neck before realizing that they weren't actually together. He was afraid it would remind him of how desperately he had needed her- even then. Unfortunately for Ryan, Seth overheard the question and later told Taylor, hoping not to hurt her feelings but not wanting her to think that Ryan didn't love her. Taylor never mentioned it again.

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It was a romantic evening that Ryan had planned. They went to dinner at Taylor's favorite restaurant, and right before her favorite dessert came out, Ryan got down on one knee. "Madamoiselle Townsend, voulez-vous se marier avec moi?" He spoke it with a bit of trouble, but he had tried, really tried to make it perfect. He knew she loved France and he had hoped she would find it romantic that he asked her in French.

She looked shocked and ecstatic. "Yes, Ryan! Yes!" He put the gorgeous ring on her finger and stood up as she jumped into his arms.

Ryan was happy. He and Taylor were moving foward. He had worked hard on planning his proposal, but in the back of his mind, he knew that in an ideal world, he wouldn't have had to. In an ideal world, he would have gone on the ferris wheel with the person he loved and proposed at the very top of the ride. Because Ryan was afraid of heights, really afraid. But he was not afraid when he was with her, and he would want to show her that.She would say yes and kiss him lovingly and he would get out his ring and put it on her finger- it could have been the smallest diamond in the world (hell, he could have proposed with _no_ ring) and his Marissa would have said yes. But this was not an ideal world, and he proposed to Taylor. But he could never go on a ferris wheel with her, he could never sit with her at the lifeguard stand. Those places were his places with _her._ _Her,_ the unmentioned elephant in every room they went into together. And so, Ryan and Taylor get engaged (but he still looks for Marissa every time he passes the lifeguard stand).

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They planned a fall wedding. Not summer, because that was when he had fallen in love with Marissa. Not spring, because that was Marissa died. Not winter, because that was just too cold and unpredictable weather-wise (and because _they_ had said I love you for the first time during the winter). It was a Newport wedding- not too extravagant, but then again, Veronica Townsend was in charge. So it was still pretty extravagant- and the details were _perfect._ It was nice. Pretty, Ryan thought. And so when Ryan stood at the end of the aisle, waiting for Taylor, he was happy. He heard the music start to play and looked up and his breath was taken away. Because walking towards him, he didn't see Taylor, he saw Marissa in a breathtaking white dress that looked familiar to the incredible one she had worn to cotillion. She walked towards him and smiled sweetly, and he gazed lovingly back at her. Wishing he didn't have to but knowing he should, Ryan blinked slowly and opened his eyes to see Taylor smiling at him as she arrived at the altar. He smiled also.

And so, Ryan and Taylor get married (but he still sees Marissa's face last before he falls asleep).

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_"The hardest thing about growing up is that you have to do what is right for you even if it means breaking someone's heart. Including your own." _

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Author's Note Continued: I know it's kindof short, but it's better than nothing, right? I don't really have time to keep going right this minute anyway, but I thought I'd post this. There will probably be a few more parts, but I'm not sure how many. I'd really like to continue this because I like this, but I'm m oving through their lives quite quickly, haha. Anyway. Read my other stories? Lol. Review, please!!


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: I felt really bad about his and went on a little search. The author who wrote the story where Ryan kisses Taylor imagining her as Marissa was _starbuckfaerie21_. They are really, really good! I just wanted to give ample credit because I thought it was brilliant, haha, and I couldn't have thought of that myself. Lol. So, if you want me to continue, PLEASE review and let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

**THE OC FANFICTION:GOODNIGHT BUT NOT GOODBYE (CH.3)**

Author's Note: Hi everybody. None of this is owned by me. If it was, Marissa wouldn't have died, she and Ryan would have their happily ever after and the OC would still be running. So obviously, not mine. And it's a bit short, but I haven't updated this in a few days, so..I thought I'd upload it anyway. And, I'm kind of nervous about this chapter, so please let me know what you think!! Read & Review!

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_" 'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the most trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. The pain stops eventually, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? That one person who mattered enough to be grieved over will always be absent, and it is their absense that you will always notice before those who are still present."_

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Taylor was great. She was smart and sweet and caring and funny and really loved him. But his heart had been taken long ago and he never got it back except for the shattered pieces. When he lost Marissa, his world crumbled before his watching eyes. He loved her so much and he knew that his life would never be the same with out her. As he moved foward with his life, the pain eased gradually, fading less and less until he felt like himself again. He had new people in his life and he was dating Taylor Townsend. So he should have been happy, right? The pain might have been gone after all that time, but she still wasn't there. Marissa would never be there again. And when he walked into a room, it would always be her absense that Ryan noticed before those who were still there with him. "You'll get over it.." Whoever said that was a liar. Because Ryan will never get over losing Marissa Cooper. This he knows for a fact.

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When Taylor told him that she was pregnant, Ryan was terrified that he would be just like his father. But most of all, he was distracted. Because all he could picture was a little girl who looks exactly like Marissa with pigtails and a little sundress. He smiled and hugged her and told her how excited he is. And he was. Happy about a son or daughter. Just not who he's having it with. Marissa would have noticed his hesitance immediately, and be able to calm his fears in a moment, just had she had done that very first time on the ferris wheel. But Taylor, on the other hand, didn't even notice Ryan's slight hesitation or how his voice cracks slightly when he tells her that she'll be a great mother when all he needed was for somebody to make him believe that about himself. But that somebody was gone forever and so Ryan will have to make do with trying to convince himself that he was not Frank. But it's just not the same.

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_"It hurts so much when the one person you really need is the one person you can't have ever again."_

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Ryan and Taylor have _that_ life. The great jobs, the nice house in Newport (as Newpsie-infested as it is, it will always be home to Ryan because that's where he found a family for the first time). The little boy Atwood. The loving family and friends. Everything they could want. But it's still the life with Marissa that he envisions. He still imagines having his Marissa on his arm as he circulates the room at the Newport events, laughing as she makes jokes that made it all bareable for him. After all this time, he still loved her so much. After everything, Marissa would always be his number one. He loves Taylor, he does. But nothing compares to your first love, and that's what Marissa was to Ryan. She was his first love and the love of his life, and Taylor understands that. Just how Taylor loves Ryan, Ryan loves Marissa. So any Ryan would be better than none. Even if it was "Broken Ryan". Because she loves him but Ryan loves Marissa's ghost more than her, every moment of every day. So Ryan goes on imagining that the beautiful family he now has are his and Marissa's because that was what he had always wanted, and if, even for a moment, he could feel pretend that it were true, he could pretend that she were there and that he could hold her in his arms forever and never let her go again. Because he needed her so much every moment of every day and he can never have her again. Life is so damn unfair, he thinks. But he still smiles as he picks up his little boy and walks over to give Taylor a kiss on her forehead as they leave to to play video games with Uncle Seth. "Bye Babe." He whispers in her ear, and she smiles. If he's honest with himself, he has to admit that he has a good life. Just not the one that he had hoped for. On that thought, he walks out the door, carrying the littlest Atwood


End file.
